


Matsuda's Big Job

by sweet_lovin_zombie



Series: Death Note on Crack [3]
Category: Death Note & Related Fandoms
Genre: Crack, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-25
Updated: 2018-10-25
Packaged: 2019-08-07 14:34:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16410293
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweet_lovin_zombie/pseuds/sweet_lovin_zombie
Summary: Matsuda has been given the task of monitoring the Yagami's home surveillance footage. He witnesses some strange things.





	Matsuda's Big Job

Matsuda had been on the task force for a while now. And so far, he really liked it. It was nice working closely with the others and getting to be a part of such an important case. But he was ready for some action. The others never let him do anything fun! But today was different! Ryuzaki had given him a job! 

Only… he was learning quickly that it was not a very good one. 

Matsuda leaned back in the chair, fighting the urge to pull out his phone and beat that next level of Candy Crush. This was so boring. He’d been so excited to be trusted with something as important as monitoring the Yagami home surveillance cameras… finally he was allowed to be a more pivotal member on the team! 

But it turned out, he’d been stuck with the work no one else wanted. Again. The Yagami family was just a normal everyday family. Doing normal everyday things. In a normal everyday way. Boring. 

Matsuda fought to keep himself interested as he panned through the different cameras, keeping track of Light as he traveled through the house. Light had spent the morning studying and baking cookies and doing otherwise boring stuff. Now he went into the living room and over to the bookshelf--probably going to read again, of course--and reached for a Kanji dictionary… only for the entire bookshelf to move aside when he pulled the book down. 

Matsuda jerked up in his seat, watching as Light descended down the hidden staircase… and returned moments later wearing a black robe. 

“Wait a minute, what the--” 

He choked on his spit as dozens of robed figures emerged behind Light, faces covered with hoods and carrying torches. 

They all formed a circle around the living room, Light standing in the middle as the leader. 

“My brothers and sisters,” he said, passing around a tray of sugar cookies for their enjoyment, “I have called you here today for a very special reason. It seems… they are onto us.” 

There was ripple of panic throughout the group. 

“But now?” A woman’s voice cried, “We were so careful!” 

“I don’t know how…” Light replied, “But for the time being, we must keep our activities… quieter.” 

“Activities?” Matsuda jumped to his feet, “No way, I have to tell the others!” 

He ran from the room, shouting names, “Ryuzaki-san! Chief! Mogi-san! Aizawa-san!” 

“For the love of--” Aizawa rounded the corner, looking miffed, “What are you yelling about?” 

“You-You have to come see this!” Matsuda gestured in the direction of the surveillance room, “Ryuzaki was right! It’s Light! Light, he’s--” 

There was a clatter down the hall, “Raito-kun?” L appeared, having spilled his cake on his shirt but not seeming to care for the moment, “We must see!” 

They all ran to the surveillance room, Matsuda throwing open the door and pointing to the screens… Only to see Light sitting on his couch by himself, sipping some tea as he read a book. 

“W-What in the…” Matsuda scrambled for the mouse, panning through all the cameras to see if any of the cultists were still in the house, but other than Light it was empty. 

Aizawa cleared his throat, scowling at Matsuda, “Well? You called us here for what exactly?” 

“L-Light! He was… he had robes and torches… His friends! From behind the bookshelf! They--” 

Chief Yagami laughed, “Oh Matsuda, you have such a vivid imagination. Light doesn’t even wear the color black. He says it clashes with his soul.” 

“Wh-- _doesn’t that seem strange to you?”_

“Now now Matsuda,” L ate a glob of icing from his shirt, “We don’t convict people based on the color of their souls. If you’re quite finished I think we can all--” 

“Wait!” Matsuda cried, “Just rewind the tape! It’s all on there if you just--” 

“Oh,” said L, “These cameras aren’t actually _recording_ anything.” 

“What!? _Why the hell not?_ ” 

“Well to put it frankly, they aren’t really cameras. They’re actually really long pipes stretching from here to Yagami-san’s house, filled with mirrors to reflect the image--” 

" _Why didn’t you just put in real cameras?_ ” 

“I thought I would save a bit of money this way, but boy was I wrong. All the permits I had to acquire and working around the zoning laws--” 

Matsuda groaned, flopping down in the chair. And they called _him_ an idiot. 

“Well if that’s all,” Chief Yagami said, “Let’s all get back to work,” he smiled at Matsuda, “No more practical jokes. We need to be serious now.” 

Matsuda spun back around, folding his arms and poking his bottom lip out. _Stupid L. Stupid Aizawa. Stupid Chief. Just you three wait. I’ll catch him the next time._

*** 

The next time™ happened two minutes later when Light began violently choking on a sugar cube. Matsuda thought he was faking it at first until Light’s face turned red and he started flailing on the floor. 

Matsuda jumped to his feet, wondering if maybe he should call for help, but seconds later the Yagami’s flat screen TV pushed away from the wall and a cultist hopped out. “Light-sama!” the cultist cried, throwing himself on the Yagami boy. He wrapped his arms around his middle and heimliched the sugar cube out of his windpipe. 

Light started coughing violently, “Th-Thank you, brother,” he finally rasped, coughing a few more times before he sat up, “Have you… have you made the preparations?” 

“Yes,” the cultist said, pulling a scroll out of his sleeve. He spread it on the ground revealing a multitude of spell circles and runic letters, “We are now ready to perform the sacrament. All we need is the sheep’s blood.” 

Light ran to the fridge and grabbed a bottle labeled ‘Totally Not Sheep’s Blood’ and ripped it off to reveal another label that read ‘Totally Sheep’s Blood’. 

“We are ready,” Light said, pulling his black robes from where he’d stuffed them under the pillow and sliding them on. 

“Oh, you’re not getting away this time,” Matsuda said, grabbing his phone. He’d just record it and then-- “What the--dammit!” His Candy Crush had taken up too much space! He’d have to delete some apps! Duolingo? Yeah, who needs Spanish. iFunny? Sure, who laughs anyway. Dog Translator--NO! Never the Dog Translator… He deleted a few more useless apps before his phone was ready. 

“Alright,” Matsuda muttered, “Just enough space to record my--what…” 

Light was sleeping peacefully on the couch. 

“HOW?” 

Chief Yagami burst in the room, “Matsuda! I heard you scream! Is everything--” 

Matsuda rounded on him, “We are going to your house! I’m gonna prove this once and for all!” 

*** 

When they arrived at the Yagami household, Light politely answered the door, holding a tray and wearing oven mitts. 

“Hello everyone! I just baked some brownies, would you like--” 

“Move it Yuno,” Matsuda shoved the tray into his chest and barged in. 

“Wh-Matsuda!” Chief Yagami said but Matsuda ignored him. 

He beelined straight for the bookcase, looking for the dictionary and swiveling around triumphantly when he found it. 

“Behold!” he said, pulling it down… but nothing happened. 

“What the…” Matsuda pulled it off the shelf looking around for a hidden switch but finding none. 

“Matsuda,” said Chief Yagami, “What are you--” 

“It’s here! Behind here! Watch!” 

Matsuda got between the shelf and the wall and shoved, sending the entire bookcase to the floor. Books went flying and precious family heirlooms shattered to the ground. 

“Behold!” he said amongst the panic, “Behind--” But the wall was just a regular wall. 

“No!” Matsuda cried, “It was right there, it--” he started kicking the wall. 

“Matsuda, please!” Aizawa said, “Stop this--” 

“No no! I can prove it!” 

Matsuda ran over to the flat screen TV, throwing it off its stand with a loud thud and hoping to find the hole the cultist had climbed out of earlier… only to find it also blank. 

“ _How?_ ” 

Matsuda went to the couch, throwing all the pillows off to find the black robes, but they were missing. Then he threw open the fridge, looking for any more suspiciously labeled bottles. 

“No! That’s impossible! All of it is impossible! I saw it, it was all right--” 

“Matsuda,” Ryuzaki said in his monotone. He was busy consoling Light who was sobbing about his ruined brownies (whilst Ryuzaki was also subtly eating the chocolate off of Light’s shirt), “I understand that you want to be important to this investigation. But this has gone too far. You won’t find evidence that isn’t there.” 

“But it _is_ there!” Matsuda insisted, “I saw it!” 

“Enough!” Chief Yagami said, “Matsuda, I think it would be best if you left.” 

Matsuda wanted to defend himself but couldn’t find the words. He took one more look at Light and stormed out of the room. 

_Screw this investigation,_ he thought angrily. He stopped in the bathroom before he left, wanting to spit on Light’s toothbrush… but when he opened the door he saw a cultist sitting on the toilet. 

She screamed and dropped the newspaper she was holding, jumping up and hiding behind the shower curtain. 

But Matsuda wasted no time. 

“Ryuzaki! Chief!” he screamed like his life depended on it. Well, his job depended on it anyway. 

The two came barreling around the corner, Matsuda barely able to contain his excitement as he jumped and pointed at the cornered cultist. 

“Right there! That’s one of them! It’s a cultist--” 

But Light pushed through the three of them, putting himself between them and the frightened woman. 

“What are you talking about?” Light demanded, “This is my classmate! She’s an exchange student!” 

“Excha--” Oh no, Matsuda was not falling for it, “Then explain the cultist robes!” 

“Cultist…” Light balled his fists, “It’s a _burkha_.” 

Oh. “B-But… I can’t… I don’t…” Matsuda was at a loss for words. Unfortunately, Chief Yagami wasn’t. 

“Now listen here Matsuda,” he said, “First you accuse my son of murder. Then you destroy my home. But now you make discriminatory comments? Matsuda this has gone far enough!” 

"What… Chief, I--” 

“I won’t hear it! Go home. We will decide what to do with you tomorrow.” 

Matsuda hung his head and left. 

*** 

The next day, everyone tried painfully hard to pretend things were normal. They made small talk on the morning commute. Worked diligently on the case. 

No one spoke anymore about ‘the day that Matsuda went crazy’. He went back to doing boring busy work and nothing else changed. Well. Almost nothing. 

Aizawa was calmly sipping his Starbucks frappuccino and watching the surveillance feed of the Yagami’s home. Matsuda had been rightfully banned from the room for the duration of the case and now Aizawa took over whenever L was otherwise busy. 

He watched as Light searched the bathroom for another toothbrush (someone had spit on his apparently) and leaned back in his chair. This was going to be an easy but boring day— 

Wait a minute… 

The floor tile in the Yagami’s bathroom suddenly slid back and a black robed man popped his head out. 

“Here you are, master,” he said handing Light a Colgate 360. 

Light took it and turned away as the man slid back down beneath the bathroom floor. 

All Aizawa could say was, “Crest is better.”


End file.
